October's end

I've turned T-H-I-R-T-Y T-W-O! Few weeks back that is, not today.

And I feel 22? Haha...

To sum up my October, I would have to say its a bitter sweet one.

Here goes...

We found out in early September that I was pregnant again and while the initial thoughts of "You gotta be kidding" and "You gotta be f***king kidding" churning in my mind, it quickly gave way to happy thoughts.

Both the husband and I were really truly happy at the thought of a third kid coming along and had even thought of some names for a girl (he just badly wanted a girl after 2 boys), and in the midst of all these while I was solo parenting while he was travelling for work, I guess somehow it didn't turn out to be.

And I guess I somehow had a feeling about it when during a visit to the gynae, he remarked that the yolk sac seems a little small for the gestational age, we just thought it could be due to my irregular period that causes it. So while a subsequent visit was made after 2 weeks, I began to bleed the following.

And again, I guess it was because I had some bleeding during my first pregnancy, I brushed it aside thinking its normal. What's not normal was, I continued bleeding and it became heavier. And perhaps it was already too late because the following visit showed that there was no baby at all.

I had braced myself for it and perhaps I already knew during the bleeding that it was not meant to be, I wasn't really affected by it.

But I guess it did affected me after all.

It just feels so strangely normal to me that while I was going through the miscarriage, I had to continue looking after my 2 boys. Mornings were spent preparing their breakfast and lunch and the afternoons were spent sending Benjamin to school, prepping Jeb for his nap, getting ready for dinner, picking Benjamin up from school, getting them ready for bed... and the same thing would continue again for the next day and the next.

And throughout this period, I had requested for leave to stay home to be with them and at the same time the gynae gave me some hormone pills to try and stabilise the pregnancy. So in between taking the hormone pills and blood tests, I was just being on auto pilot mode. Just doing my things and being with my kids.

So when the final scan revealed that there was indeed no baby, I decided to have the D&C to clear away the remains of the pregnancy. I had thought of going through with a natural miscarriage, that is waiting for my body to naturally expel it out, but I guess I had enough of all that blood. All in all, I was bleeding for close to a month.

And so, I went for the surgery on my birthday itself. Everything was pretty quick. All I remembered was falling into a deep sleep and then waking up in the recovery room. No pain or discomfort at all.

Aftermath?

Getting back into the groove by going on a holiday with the husband and heading back to work and sometimes I find myself feeling like it never did happened.

Do I feel pitiful for myself? No.

Regretful? Perhaps.

Am I considered strong? Not really. Because I did had a good cry and was feeling vulnerable and lonely without my husband around.

But this reality happened and I chose to take it in a positive light because well, life goes on.

So this pretty much sums up my October.

PS: I am really okay and writing about my miscarriage is something for me to remember. And there's nothing for me to hide because I feel that this is something that people generally seems to sweep it under the carpet.

Or it could be just me *shrugs shoulder*

PPS: I am still able to look at cute babies and coo over them. This whole episode just makes me love my boys even more and even more so, treasure them much more as each child is indeed a champion and also, how fleeting life can get. As I always tell Benjamin, anything can wait but not hugs and kisses. So go hug them and squeeze them tight! Plant a million gazillion kisses on them!

First

Anyone who knows my first born aka Benjamin knows he is a cheerful and chatty little boy. He is also warm, sensible, easy-going and generally a happy kid. I had it so easy with him that when my second kid aka Jeb came along, I thought it was end of the world. #dramaticbuttrue

I just love hanging out with Benjamin. He makes me laugh, makes me happy and it truly makes me feel so thankful that he is in my life. There are trying times since he tends to be on the sensitive side and gives up too easily, but I always remind myself that his good always outweighs those.

One of the many that I'll remember are the times when I had to nurse a newborn Jeb in the room and Benjamin would just play by himself in the living room for an hour without disturbing us. An hour! Or the times when I had to bring Jeb for his sleep and all has to real quiet in case any tiniest hint of a whisper wakes him up, Benjamin would come in the room and before I could barely open my mouth to shush him, he would look at me and said, "Mama I will be quiet. I will play quietly, I just want to be with you." 

Cue rolling tears please. 

He'll be turning 5 real soon and he's so looking forward to it being an official big boy and attending K1 next year. And these days, all I hear from him is, "Mama when I turn five years old, you must buy me a big train ok? A big Thomas, a big Gordon and a big Emily. Ok Mama? Ok?"

Sigh. 

It is so true that children grow up wayyyyyy too fast and in a blink of an eye, they're all fully grown and that just makes me...... old? Haha..

I just wanna kiss his squishy cheeks forever and ever. Or as Mariah Carey sings it right on the spot, Always be my baby.