Woe is to be me

My nights with them are too short. Now that Benjamin has homework (HOMEWORK!), our nights have been spent like this; dinner, homework, shower, a little Youtube time while I try my darndest to have the world's fastest shower before Jeb kicks down the door, milk and then off to bed.

So all in all, I'll spend like maximum 2 hours wake time with them?

And it doesn't help at all when even that little time I have,almost half of it is spent on disciplining the boys. My helper has no power over them and when some guy gets up to mischief or is being defiant on purpose, I have no choice but to do it.

I (insert F bomb) hate it. 

Not that I have to discipline them, but it is the emotional turmoil within me that makes me feel terrible every single night.

I hate that they have to end up in tears before bed. I hate that I have to be the one doing it. I hate that they might come to associate me with cane and pain every time I come home.

And slowly, they might dread me coming home.

I just. I don't know.

But I guess I still have to do it.