Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Being honest

Lately, I've been feeling rather down. Moody, moody and moody-er, if there's such a word.

Feeling down because I realised I don't have much accomplished in life, not much of a career, not much money, not much of anything else.

And I've also realised that other than being not much in anything else, I'm also not good at much either. Not much skills, not much talent or even any, not much of a mother, not much of a wife, not much of a daughter, pretty much not much of anything. Oh, I just rephrase the first paragraph.


This feeling of inadequacy has been weighing me down so much so that I'm fulfilling my mother's prophecy of me; a failure.

She has been telling me this ever since, like ever since.

As you can probably guess by now, we don't exactly have the best mother-daughter relationship. At best cordial, at its worst, we're invisible to each other. And to add to that irony, she is the main caregiver of my boys and I am hoping or rather, believing that she's doing a better job at looking after them then when she was with us (my sister and I).

I don't even know what I'm trying to convey here, just that I'm feeling really lost right now. I know I am not what my mother says of me. It's just.....

It's just that before I had my boys, I told myself I do not want to have children because I do not want to be like her.



I do not want her mood swings, her temperaments, her depressive traits.

Yet, I've also realised, I am slowly becoming like her.

I'm trying very hard to fight against it and rise up against my emotions and many many times, I failed.

I yelled at my children, I get moody at my husband, I get angry at myself.

To me, it's like a tunnel. A period of darkness that I have to crawled out.

And by the time I get out of it, the next wave would hit me and the cycle starts all over again. If I can't be happy, then no one can be happy.

Don't worry, I'm not suicidal or anything. Just these pent up frustrations I've been suppressing is getting too much to bear recently.

I am thinking happy thoughts and being thankful everyday for every little thing I have.

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