Monday, May 6, 2013

Healing time

I've recently started attending church again after a hiatus of two years. I took a break from Jesus. I took a break from praying. I took a break from the church people.

I wasn't born and raised in a Christian family. I only received Christ when I was in secondary school when my friend invited me to her church service and it was there and then I became one. In the beginning, there was youth service, I went for a while, then stopped for a longer while. Till the same friend again invited me to another church service and there and then, I got really into it.

I joined their youth ministry, actively participated in it, became a youth leader, make friends, encourage friends and from there met my husband. But this is not about our love story, this is going to be how I'm intending to raise my children upon my church teachings.

Because you see, we have been hurt by church people. The very same people who taught us how to love, how to give grace to people, how to forgive has hurt us deeply. Hey, where is all the love you taught? Where is the grace that is undeserved? Where is the forgiveness when we needed it? Where is this second chance at redemption? Where?

And thus we stopped going.

Because for a long time, it became a fame game. People dictating how and what you should do and say, how to behave in a certain way, how to mix with the right kind of people, all the right lingos and whatever nots that took over. It was bright, it was shiny, it was also terribly blinding.

Yes victories are good, victories are worth celebrating, victories are worth mentioning but before the victories, there was the struggles, the pleas, the cries, the darkness. We need the light in those, not the light shining into the light.

And so until recently, I've decided to attend church again.

I wanted to know and feel this Jesus for myself again. To know and feel the realness of him first hand. To fully experience his love before I teach my kids about him. But frankly in the deepest of my sub-consciousness, I feel like I'm doing it more so for the kids. For them to be exposed to the teachings, singing songs, learning about Jesus, just having fun, for themselves, not for anybody or even me. And I'm glad that the son is now singing songs of Jesus loves me and I'm in the Lord's Army although it sounds like he's lost in the army most of the time.

Anyway there is still a jadedness about it all, but I believed the healing has began, layer by layer.


Ing said...

Hi, thanks for stopping by my blog.
Really glad to read that your healing has begun. I'm sorry to hear that you've been hurt by your friends in church. It must have been a difficult time for you. Hope that you will not give up on God though, although people have hurt you... *hugs*

life-muse said...

Hi Ing,
and thank you for leaving a note here. Its always tricky when religion is involved because hey, we are supposed to practice what we preach right? So anyway, I am trying to let go of the bitterness and just enjoy going back to worshipping and listening to the sermons. :)

Anonymous said...

I believe it is the Lord Himself that places the desire in you to expose your kids to Him, you could have just let them spend their Sundays at other places, but somehow you chose to send to them to church, seems to me that your Shepherd is tugging at your heartstrings.. "Hey, I was always here, I've never stopped loving you, I love you, I love your family, I love your boys."

I'm sorry you had felt hurt, I don't claim to understand the depth of your emotions, but being someone who has made many mistakes, I've myself grace extended to me from my leaders and 'church people'. Maybe, sometimes we just need to be more open. :)

But of cos, 1st and foremost, let our eyes be fixed on the only unchanging One, and receive this abundance of grace from Love Himself, anew.

Jesus died of a broken heart so that yours may be made whole. Hugs.

P.S: I've missed hanging out with you.

life-muse said...

Hi Anonymous,
thank you for leaving a note here.

What soldiered us on was the support of our family. And perhaps the grace of God, somewhere. I don't deny that God is still watching and protecting over us, just that it's easy to blame him when all else fails.

And if you are reading this, do leave your name. I'm still friendly and I don't bite, unless necessary :)

Ruth said...

I haven't been that regular in church and that is supposed to be something I wanna work on this year. By God's grace, I have my little boy who reminds me daily now to pray. And for his sake, I think I need to really find a church and settle down...

life-muse said...

Hi Ruth,
I know and understand what you mean. I've also started praying only because of my kids and they always reminds me that God is still good lar, lol. I'm going to drop you a text message soon on our play date! :)