Today, I want to get this off my chest, well not literally of course. Just something that I've been holding on for quite a while.
At the start when I was still pregnant, I was excited on the idea to breastfeed. Partly because of the information that I read online, the amazing testimonials that most mothers have on breastfeeding and the bond that is shared between mother and baby. I mean, the propaganda on breast is best is so in your face and which mother does'nt want the best for their kids right?
However, things did'nt go as planned. I was'nt able to do so not because I did'nt have milk but I did'nt realised that it is so difficult to do so. In the beginning, I was trying to latch direct, but as he is a strong sucker and the flow did'nt come quick enough, Benjamin would end up crying in fustration. And so I thought, ok maybe I'll just pump out the milk and let him drink from a bottle. Easy enough right? Wrong!
It is so discouraging to see that miniscule amount of milk after pumping for 40 minutes on each side. And the fact is no one told me that the milk supply will be more regulated after 1 month of breastfeeding. All along, I had the wrong notion that milk will just flow from the breast! It is so not true! I blamed it on the happy picutres showing a breastfeeding mother with her baby.
Anyways I was an emotional trainwreck. And I got all depressed and kept blaming myself cos I was'nt able to do so, but my husband was so encouraging. Throughout the ordeal, he was constantly encouraging me and never once did he put me down or blame me. He told me to do what is the best for Benjamin and rather to boost my ego and starving him, why not just let him have formula milk and do away with all the unnescessary stress. Love is not just being able to breastfeed, it is also caring after him and seeing his needs are met. I tell ya, these words are my saving grace man!
Yet whenever we went out, I was quite embarrassed when we have to make milk for Benjamin. I kept having this notion that I'm a bad mother and that other people were looking down on me. And whenever I see nursing mothers, I would feel jealous and feel all poignant and wonders what it feels like to nurse your own child. Guess I'll never find out, hee.
Well, I'm not saying to sound like I'm justifying myself, but really, when it comes down to our kids, we simply wants what will works best for them. In this case, the milk was not included.
P.S: Benjamin is growing up healthy and strong with no weird things whatsoever coming out of his body. And we only buy milk powder from everyelse, except China. You never know what they like to throw into their products.